To Find A God
by PsychicDreams
Summary: [Thor-AU] Their love was beautiful, but uncontrolled. When Thor hurts Loki one too many times, Loki disappears. When Thor finds Loki again, he has to find the answer to the question 'Is their love salvageable'


(Note: Written for jenniebennie, this is an AU that diverges long before the events of Thor itself)

"_How could you do this to me?!"_

"_Loki… I didn't…do it on purpose…"_

"_No! No, the first time wasn't on purpose, maybe the second time was just an accident, but __**three**__ times, Thor? __**No. **__Enough. I can't take it anymore!"_

"_Loki? Loki, no!"_

Thor gasped, sitting up in bed as he jerked himself out of the nightmare that had plagued his dreams for what felt like an eternity. He growled in pure self-hatred, raising his knees and dropping his forehead on them. It had been nearly three hundred years since that day and not for one second had he stopped hating himself.

He looked over at his bedside table, at the necklace that always sat there reverently. Servants had learned within hours that they were not allowed to touch it, to move it, or even breathe on it. His fingers picked it up softly, running his thumb over pendant. He'd given this to Loki those many years ago as a present and it had cemented their relationship, their passion, their love…and then Thor had ruined it all. They'd been young, too young, to handle the stress of keeping their relationship hidden because of their family and Thor had been arrogant and unwilling to change his behavior. So he'd foolishly strayed.

He had told Loki the truth, that _none_ of those times were on purpose. He had not once gone out looking to sleep with those women, but it was not good enough and he knew that, now more than ever. Thor couldn't remember now why he'd bedded them and wasn't that the irony? They had meant nothing, but had destroyed what had meant the most. His life had become a horror when Loki, pushed to the brink, had ended not only their relationship as lovers, but even as family. He'd disappeared three hundred and twenty seven years ago in that argument and he hadn't heard of him since.

Not that Thor hadn't looked. Thor had abandoned almost all his duties for the first fifty years, just hunting for his brother. Even when Odin had pulled him aside and told him Loki was Jotun, he didn't care. It was only when he'd been locked in his room that he had finally conceded that he couldn't spend all of his attention doing that. It didn't mean he'd stopped, he still searched constantly, but he performed what other duties as required.

And that was all they were. Duties. He felt no passion for them anymore. Sif, Hogun, Fandral, and Volstagg had tried everything over the years, but Thor rarely ever smiled anymore. While he attended feasts, he did so because he was still sociable enough, but he didn't enjoy them. He hadn't gotten drunk since Loki left and he took no pleasure in almost anything. He had not bedded a single person.

Despite the very early hour, Thor slid out of bed. Something in him made his hand clench around the necklace that Loki had thrown back at him and slid it into his pocket. By the time the sun rose, he was ready to meet the day.

"My lord." Thor paused on his way to the throne room, turning in surprise at Heimdall. Very rarely did the man ever leave the Bifrost.

"Heimdall?"

"I have news for you."

"News…?" Thor didn't hope. Loki had hidden even from Heimdall's eyes.

"I have heard of a woman on Midgard that has developed a theory very similar to the Bifrost." Those unique eyes met his intently, as if trying to embed what he was trying to say in his mind. "They are very _different_ from any of those on Midgard. Her name is Jane Foster and she has presented theories that are…not of her experience."

He didn't react for a minute, not sure what he was saying…before it clicked. This woman, she had theories and knowledge of things that those on Midgard wouldn't have had. Out of the ordinary enough that Heimdall came to _him_. "…Loki!"

"Perhaps."

"Open the Bifrost for me, Heimdall."

"And of the Allfather? You are to join him in his court today."

"_Now_!" he ordered, a sense of urgency, of _hope_ making him curt.

Heimdall, to his credit, didn't flinch and they hurried back over the bridge. As Thor felt the Bifrost take hold, he tried to calm his suddenly raging heart. He in a city, in a park. He glanced around, ignoring the staring, and touched Mjolnir. She hummed underneath his fingertips and he gently pulled on her magic, asking her to look for his brother, almost begging. Every time he'd tried before, nothing had returned, and this was no exception despite the fact that it felt…different today.

He flew forward, listening as Heimdall spoke to him of this woman's whereabouts. He landed in a courtyard of the nearby university, startling a group of students that had taken residence under a tree. Some part of his mind told him that he should be more careful, after all none on Midgard were like this, but the thought was drowned out in a wave of urgency to find Loki. Thor spotted her walking toward another building and he ran forward, getting in her way. With her nose in her paperwork she bounced from his chest and he had to reach out to grab her arm to steady her before she fell.

"What are you—oh." She looked him up and down in his armor, easing back a bit, or trying to.

"Are you Jane Foster?"

"Y-Yes…?"

"You wrote something, about the Bifrost."

"Bifrost?"

"Traveling between realms," he clarified, trying to keep himself calm. "Where did you learn of this?"

"From my professor." Her eyes widened and something like pure delight crossed her face. "You're from—"

"Please," Thor interrupted, struggling to keep himself courteous. He felt so, so close to Loki… "Take me to this man."

"Why?"

"Because I believe he is someone I know."

She seemed to hesitate and Thor wasn't so foolish not to notice anymore that she was giving him a look of interest that was not entirely academic. Yet he felt nothing, the same nothing that had been inside him when Loki left. He hadn't felt any interest in anyone since then. "If I do, will you answer questions while we walk?"

"Yes," he said, anything to move her along. She fired question after question at him that he answered to the best of his ability while he was distracted. They entered one of the biggest buildings and he followed her up the stairs, taking two at a time. It was on the third floor that she turned down a hallway and the closer they got to who he suspected was Loki, the more his answers became non answers.

She opened the door and opened the door. "Professor Leon? Someone's here to see you."

The man looked up and their eyes met. "Loki," he breathed, seeing his brother pale. He was as _beautiful_ as before, with his hair long enough to reach the middle of his back and his eyes as green as before. He wore a black suit with no tie and a few buttons loosened at his throat. He was the sexiest that Thor had ever seen him and the life in his heart that had died back then revived in an instant. Lust, love, _emotion_ flooded him and he shouldered Jane out of the way.

Loki stepped back, but Thor grabbed him and pulled him close, burying his lips against his. He moaned softly and his brother struggled once before stilling and suddenly returning his feeling with the same amount of passion. It was as if the last three hundred years had never happened.

Then his happiness was cruelly wrenched away when Loki shoved him back. "Thor!" he hissed, anger flashing in his eyes. "What are you doing here?!"

"I have searched for you for more than an eternity, Loki."

"Then you are a fool! Didn't I make it clear the last time we met?!"

"Loki," he said seriously, the grave look on his face catching his brother's attention, "I made mistakes. While I did not _intend_ to deliberately bed anyone but you, I can't change the fact that I did and I was _wrong_. There is no excuse that I can give you and you should not need them. I cannot stress how much I apologize to you, how many times I wanted to shout it from the heavens."

Loki merely stared at him in silence and he reached into pocket to pull out the necklace he had given his brother. He held it out, not forcing him to take it, but offering it back reverently. "Ever since you left, I have felt nothing. I have desired no one and nothing. If you returned to Asgard and asked those around me, you would be told that I have rarely smiled in the past three hundred years. You cannot blame me or hurt me about my mistakes more than myself." Cautiously he reached out to take Loki's hand and put the necklace into his palm.

"I _love you_, Loki. I _still_ love you, I adore you, and you _still_ have my heart. It belongs to you, always has and always will, and I want to ask you… Is it…possible?"

"You ask me to give you my heart again? To return it to your care?"

"Yes. I am willing to wait, to perform any test you'd ask of me."

Loki looked at him cautiously, hesitantly, but it bolstered Thor's hope. "…I will think about it. I need time. Things have…changed since we last met." He eyed the god of thunder cautiously. "I am not what I thought I was."

"You are Jotun. Father told me." Thor finally smiled and reached out to touch those elegant cheekbones. "I will wait."

"You won't return to Asgard?"

"I cannot bear to be away from you again. If I left, I fear that this might be a dream and I would…do something drastic."

"…You wouldn't."

"Take my life? No. If I did, I would not be able to meet you in Valhalla."

Some tension seemed to calm a little at that answer and then his brother pulled away, gathering up his things and silently stepping from the room. He turned back at the last minute, meeting Thor's eyes and then he was gone.

-0-

Jane found him hours later sitting on the grass under a tree. "So…you and Professor Leon…"

"His name is Loki and he is my brother."

"…Brother. But you kissed him…"

"We are not related by blood. Loki is a Jotun, of a race that were once mortal enemies of Asgardians."

"And you're…"

"Asgardian."

"Have to say I'm a tad disappointed you're not available. Not many good looking men like you around here." She smiled at him, showing she meant no harm. "I know that you've got things to work out with him, it sounds like you might have had a few…incidents with other people, but do you think it would bother him if we still talked? I have a lot of questions."

"He must learn to trust me again, but nothing will work if he becomes suspicious or jealous over even the most innocent of people. That was our failing, Jane Foster. We were too young, too inexperienced in our emotions, and our relationship was too adult for our own understanding. Our trust of each other was lost in our passion and we must regain it."

"So where are you going to stay?"

"Stay?"

"Well he's not going to get back to you _today_."

"I don't know."

She chewed on her lip before she held up a finger. "Hold on, lemme see if I can help." Her hands fumbled in her bag next to her and she pulled out a device, touching the screen for a few minutes. "Professor Leon—oh, okay. Professor Loki, I'm with your…brother here and—just to ask him some questions—anyway, the reason I called was because he needs a place to stay—No, no, I wasn't going to say he was staying with me. I was going to ask if he could stay with you." She didn't say anything more and he could almost imagine the silence.

"Are you sure? So long as you're both all right with him staying with me. I don't want it to seem like—oh. A-All right." She clicked a button and turned to him. "Well, I don't know if I should be insulted or not that he never assumed that I had a chance."

"What?"

"Well I'm not sure if it's what you said or if that's just how he is, but he seems absolutely confident in the fact that you adore him and never once considered that he might have to worry about me, so I guess you're safe to stay at my place." Jane's smile was a tad apologetic. "I'm sorry, he didn't want you at his apartment."

Thor shook his head. "I understand that. Loki was a very private person and that hasn't changed. I'm merely grateful for your help. Truly."

"Then follow me. I'll get you some more…normal clothes so you don't stand out too much." She stood up and he followed her, having learned patience after so long.

That didn't mean that he didn't return to the university, sliding in the door to the classroom and leaning against the back wall when his brother taught. He wasn't honestly surprised that he'd become a professor of physics and astronomy and he was good at it. Green eyes kept flickering to him and sometimes he thought he saw a faint sheen of red on his cheeks every time Thor would smile at him when their eyes met.

After his first class ended, Thor approached cautiously, but was cheered to see that he wore the necklace. "Loki."

"Thor."

"May I…spend time with you?"

"Well, I was going to get lunch so I guess you can join me." He sighed as he gathered up his bag. "You're going to attempt to woo me no matter what I say, aren't you?"

"I can't deny it."

"I suppose it would make no difference if I asked you not to?"

"That is the one thing that I cannot do."

Loki sighed, but he didn't seem as put out as Thor expected. As they left the room together, Thor in the clothes that Jane had given him, he commented, "You do not seem as angry as I expected."

"It's been three hundred years, Thor. If I held on to the anger, the pain, that I suffered back then, I would have gone mad."

"What did you do? Where did you go?"

"I first went to Jotunheim, thinking that you would not assume to follow me there. A Frost Giant found me and that was when I learned of what I was. I spent a few years there learning to master new facets of my magic before I left. I moved from world to world for the first hundred years and then I came to Midgard where I've remained since then." He paused before adding softly, "I didn't think you'd be hunting for me."

"I looked feverishly for the first fifty years before Father made it clear that I would burn out if I continued. So I followed his orders and searched when I was not in battle or doing tasks for him. I asked Heimdall to look for you when I wasn't instead." He reached out a hand to hold his brother's. While Loki twitched and they received a few glances, he left his hand there. He didn't really hold it back, but he didn't pull away. "Tell me truly, Loki. Is there…a chance at all?"

"I don't know," Loki admitted. "What happened back then…it was like a burning flame, Thor. We didn't know what we were doing, we were just indulging in our passions, both physical and emotional. It was…_unstable_. We couldn't control it, couldn't temper it. Like a fire built too high, it burned us. If given the chance, I know that it would return and I fear we would just end up burned again. I may not be angry anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the hurt still, know how painful it was then. I don't want to feel that again."

Thor paused them, bringing up both his brother's hands to his lips and kissing his knuckles softly. "But we are different now, Loki. The flame will return again, but we have learned since then. We can temper it, settle it to a blaze and not a roar."

"Ever the optimist."

"Ever the pessimist."

Loki smiled a little. "I…have missed this. This…banter."

"And I have missed _you_." A flush spread over Loki's cheeks, faintly but there. "Have you been sleeping well, Loki? You seem…tired."

"I haven't slept well in three hundred years, Thor, and you look no better."

"Do the nightmares keep you up as well?"

"Nightmares?" Green eyes grew worried. "What nightmares?"

"Since that day you left, I have dreamt of little else than that and every time I see it, it seems to get worse. I am no longer convinced I even remember the moment _correctly_ given my nightmares. It seems like the greatest of travesties, the harm I caused you irreparable."

Loki pursed his lips, studying him, before taking his hand and tugging him from the building. Thor followed in confusion, but it was a short walk and when he saw where they were, he felt his heart pump a little harder. Loki unlocked the apartment door, ushering him in. "Loki…?"

"On the sofa."

Confused, he did as he was ordered and he watched as Loki sat on a small table next to it. "Close your eyes. I will give you a dreamless sleep."

"Loki—"

"Do it, Thor."

So Thor did so and he felt Loki's hand on his forehead, and that was the last thing he knew for several hours.

When he woke it was dark out and he could hear Loki moving around. "Loki?" he said, slowly levering himself up. His brother poked his head into the room, a piece of a cookie in his mouth, and he thought for the first time in what felt like forever that his former lover was cute.

He bit down and swallowed before saying, "I brought your armor, but you'll have to fetch Mjolnir yourself."

"What?"

Loki frowned, looking uncomfortable to admit, "I don't trust that you will not have nightmares in the near future again, perhaps…perhaps forever. I don't know, but even with your strength Thor, you will wear yourself to death. I thought you looked…different and now I know why. You seem pale and listless and poor sleep will cause that. So…you'll stay here and I will give you a dreamless sleep with my magic."

"Are you sure?"

Loki looked away. "No. I know that our wills will break and we will give in to our passion; this will hasten the inevitable…but you entrusted your heart, and yourself to me. I take care of my belongings."

Thor smiled softly and risked standing up. He move forward cautiously and while his brother stiffened, watched him warily, he didn't move away. Honestly, he knew he shouldn't, but he just had to. His fingers eased over his brother's cheek and he forced himself to take a deep breath then let it out slowly. He had to remain calm, patient. His impulsive action of kissing Loki probably caused more harm, gave Loki the impression that he hadn't changed when that couldn't be further from the truth. No, he had to wait.

"So tell me, what has happened since I left?"

Where did he start? "Father offered me the throne shortly after you left, but I refused it."

"Refused it? Why? Isn't that what you always wanted?"

"There was no point in having the throne without you and were I to become king, I couldn't look for you. I told him that when I found you again, I would accept the throne."

"What if you never found me?"

"Then Asgard would need a new king."

Loki was silent as he studied Thor and for the sake of his brother and his own sanity, he forced himself to step away. He dared not remain close…but the man stepped forward, following him. Thor tried, he kept moving back, but his brother would not allow the distance he tried to create. Finally he felt his knees hit the back of the sofa and he sat abruptly. For a moment he both feared and prayed for Loki to follow and straddle his lap…but he didn't.

"I never thought you loved me that much."

"And that was my failing. I never told you how much I _love_ you."

Loki looked away as he corrected the past tense. "What else has happened?"

So Thor told him. He told him everything, from Fandral of all people falling in love with a man and their courtship, defying any that thought such a thing shouldn't happen to the current politics and state of alliances. He spoke of Volstagg's children and their mother's garden. Even the little things of what happened when he visited the outlying villages and the other worlds he'd seen. Through it all his brother said nothing, but his eyes remained steadfast on Thor's face. It was as if the world didn't exist and he found himself reaching forward for that slim hand, running his thumb in circles over the back of it.

It was late in the evening before finally he had exhausted all his words. He didn't know his brother's opinion on any of it, though an astonished quirk of his lips had appeared when he'd spoken of Fandral. "Lie back down, Thor. I have to sleep, which means you do as well. I skipped my afternoon classes and can't do that tomorrow."

So he did, resting back and sighing at feeling a hand over his forehead again. No nightmares plagued him that night and he woke only once when he felt something touch him. In the morning he woke naturally, calmly, the light of the sun streaming in through the curtains, and he found his arms wrapped tightly around a still slumbering Loki. Somehow in the night his brother had decided rather than the comfort of his bed, he would rather sleep with Thor. He shifted, pulling the man further onto the cushions and he heard a soft, sleepy mumble against his chest.

Had he somehow had a nightmare and woken Loki? He didn't _feel_ as if he'd had a nightmare and he'd had enough of them to last him a lifetime. That left one reason: Loki was here because he'd wanted to be. Smiling, he pressed his lips to his brother's forehead and left a soft kiss. Loki shifted more into the embrace, easing one knee between Thor's legs in his attempt to squirm closer.

They remained that way for another hour and he refused to sleep further, instead basking in a sensation he wasn't sure would happen again. Green eyes slowly opened and took in where he was and how they snuggled. Thor watched him, wondering if he would be reprimanded…but there was just silence. His brother sat up and then eased to his feet without looking at him directly. "…I was right."

"What?"

"Sleeping next to you has brought me the best rest I've had in three hundred years."

Thor knew better than to suggest they sleep somewhere more comfortable then. "I would welcome you no matter what."

Loki looked at him cautiously. "Really?" His eyes glanced down pointedly at a small bulge in his trousers that had appeared quite against his will and that he'd been deliberately ignoring. "You would do so knowing I can't give you what you want?"

"To make you feel even a little at ease, I would suffer anything."

A faint flush crossed Loki's cheeks and he disappeared into another room.

-0-

He became a regular fixture in Loki's classroom in the following months. He had been noticed by the students and they'd asked him curiously what he was doing there. Not sure what to answer, he'd told them the truth: that he was waiting for Loki's heart. At first Loki had been angry at him for saying so, but as the furor died down over it, so too did his rage. His sleep was always restful with his brother's magic and his mornings sweet with the man sleeping in his arms on the sofa.

"You…have learned patience," Loki commented one day as they left the building for the day. "I didn't think I'd see the day."

Thor smiled. "Three hundred years of searching will do that to you. For how long I've hunted for you, I would not risk losing you again. I can be patient."

"Asgard can't."

"Asgard will have to. I will not return without you."

"Did you tell the Allfather about us then?"

He blinked at the question. There was a tenseness to Loki's tone of voice and he couldn't help but wonder if it was a test. The problem was he didn't know what the right answer was so he could only say the truth, "Yes. I told him when he said that I had to stop searching so ardently. He and mother both know."

There was no telling if what he said was right or not. "And?"

"That was when I learned you were Jotun."

"What did he think about the relationship?"

"I don't know. It seemed foolish to worry or even ask when at that point there was no relationship. I have made it clear that you will always hold my heart and that even if I took the throne, I would not marry another even for merely an heir."

"How well did he take that?"

"He accepted it."

"Just like that?"

"Loki, I am not the only one that misses you."

Loki refused to answer then, instead just unlocking the door to his apartment. As he had for the past month, Thor helped his brother to make their dinner. He was still unused to some of the items and he still did not trust the 'microwave', but it was worth all the embarrassment of his mistakes to see his brother _laugh_ and smile at him when he did them.

The rumble of thunder caught his attention as they cleaned the dishes after their meal and he smiled brightly. Before he could help it, he'd moved over to the windows and threw them open to catch a cool wet breeze in the room. "It has rained much lately."

"It's the rainy season."

He gave Loki a brilliant smile, always in a better mood during a thunderstorm and his brother stared at him, hands pausing as he closed the door to the contraption that washed the dishes. Without warning the god stalked over to him, gripped his shirt and pulled him into a fierce a kiss. Thor stumbled a bit and cursed as his body moved on its own. Remembering their time as if it was yesterday, his hands possessively gripped that slimmer body to him, holding him tightly against his chest.

"I don't want to," Loki whined when their lips broke apart. "I don't want to give you my heart, I'll just end up hurt again."

"Then why are you doing this?" he asked breathlessly in between frantic kisses.

"Because I never had my heart back."

Thor paused and looked into frustrated and fearful green eyes. "Loki—"

"I _tried_, Thor! I tried to tell myself that it was my own again, but the reality is, I never had it back. It was always yours and I just never realized it until you came back. Damn you… Damn you, Thor!" Here was the anger that he'd been expecting months ago when they'd talked. Suddenly it seemed as if when Loki told him that he was no longer angry it was a lie and somehow it made Thor feel…better. The anger meant this was real and if the anger was there, that meant he could _fix_ what he'd done wrong.

"I don't want to love you! You'll hurt me, you always did, and while you might seem changed, I know you'll just end up getting drunk and bedding someone else! And damn it all, I'll just end up taking you back no matter what and I won't be able to help it! We can't control this flame, Thor, no matter what you say!"

"Loki," he said seriously, running his hands up and down his brother's arms, "I cannot change what I have done to wound you in the past, but I'm not the same as I was then. I was arrogant and foolish and took you for granted. Believe me, I know far better now. I didn't give your heart the care it needed and I know that. I don't know what I can say to you to make you trust me again, but this is _not_ inevitable, Loki." He bit his lip before admitting, "If you truly want no part in this, you have but to ask me to leave. I will return to Asgard and never return."

Loki's eyes widened in shock and his hands dug fiercer into his shirt. "No! No, don't go back."

"I'm not trying to force you into anything, Loki."

"...No, you're not. _You_ aren't the one forcing me into this."

"Then what is?"

"I don't know! I feel drawn to you as I always did and this time…this time I'm trying to pull away and I can't! I've been _miserable_ since you returned because all I want, _all_ I want, is to bury myself in you, to feel you hold me again, to love you."

"And you feel miserable because you're trying to stop yourself?"

"At least you aren't as stupid as you were when you were younger."

Thor gave a ghost of a smile at the insult. "What do you need me to do?"

There was a long silence at that as he let his brother think, resisting the urge to pull him close and crush him to his chest. It felt like an eternity as he just listened the pouring rain outside. "I need you to hold me," Loki finally whispered. "I need you to love me…and I need you to be _careful_ this time."

"Are you sure? I…won't be able to let go once I do."

Their eyes finally met and Loki sighed, stepping closer and resting his forehead against Thor's shoulder. "The Allfather help me, yes. I can't go back to what life was before you found me. I don't _want_ to."

He nodded softly and held Loki tight and swore to himself that this time, he would do things right. Nothing would hurt his brother again, even himself. "I love you, Loki," he whispered. "And I'm sorry for what I did before. I swear to you on my life that I will make you happy this time. I will not betray your trust again."

Loki straightened and nodded, pulling Thor with him as he stepped back toward the sofa. "…Let us rid you of those nightmares the old-fashioned way."

A smile touched his lips. "What is the old-fashioned way?"

"That was a stupid question, Thor."

"Isn't the phrase 'there is no stupid question' something you instructors believe in?" he asked as they eased onto the cushions.

"Shut up, Thor. Before I change my mind."

For the first time in three hundred years, Thor laughed.

-End-


End file.
